


"You don't know my brain"

by venlig



Series: Breathe [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Anxious Josh Dun, Panic Attacks, Protective Tyler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 21:49:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16375613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venlig/pseuds/venlig
Summary: The interviewer turned the screen and a video started.Josh didn't have to look to know what was going on.





	"You don't know my brain"

**Author's Note:**

> you should read part one of this series to understand this.

It had been two weeks since the incident. Everybody had been on edge, but they kept on touring. Josh drummed like before and Tyler sang like before. The first show after Josh had passed out, had been awkward.

Tyler felt himself being pulled towards his friend, scared of leaving him alone.

Josh told everyone he was fine. And mostly, it was true.

He felt weird. On edge. How could he not when everyone treated him like he would break down any second.

He was anxious. The fear was always there, prickling under his skin, but it was okay. Nothing new and nothing he couldn't handle on his own. If he didn't think too much about it, he could pretend it wasn't there.

The tension around him slowly began to fade and when he and Tyler greeted a young man for an interview, everything seemed normal again.

It was obvious that the man didn't knew them very well and didn't have much experience. Tyler and Josh often dealt with people like him.

The interviewer, Tom was his name, started off with some easy questions about the tour, the lyrics and fanbase. Josh let Tyler handle it. Sometimes he would add a few words but the main talking did Tyler.

"So, Josh, I actually have a question for you."

Josh looked up at that and swallowed the fear that was walling up inside of him.

The man pulled out an Ipad and typed something.

An uneasy feeling spread in Josh's bones as he guessed what would come. Tyler next to him tensed up as well and Josh felt his gaze lingering on him.

The interviewer turned the screen and a video started.

Josh didn't have to look to know what was going on.

It was him getting up and passing out. He saw fans screaming and Tyler running towards him. Security appeared on stage and someone picked him up.

Josh couldn't breathe. The clip had ended and he could hear someone talking but it all just washed over him.

The hoodie he was wearing felt suddenly way too hot and he closed his eyes against the glaring light.

"Josh?",Tyler's voice reached him and he turned around.

His breath became erratic and he felt like he was about to throw up. He couldn't stop repeating the video in his head and the voices screaming at him to run, leave, _right_ _now_.

But he couldn't get up. His whole world was spinning, he couldn't feel his legs and at the same time he registered every movement around him.

"JOSH!"

A hand grabbed his shoulder and pulled him out of the haze in his head.

Tyler was kneelig in front of him, panic covering his face.

Josh gasped for air and started to claw at his chest. Something was filling up his lungs, he couldn't breathe, he was going to pass out again, he was going to _die_.

Suddenly he remembered everything about the panic attack on stage. How his hands got clammy and his body stopped working. His mind wouldn't focus on a single thought, everything twirling together and making him feel like he was drowning in fear.

"Okay, come on Josh, you need to breath. Come on, follow me"

His hand was forced from his chest and pressed against a warm body. Tyler breathed in deep and let Josh feel his body filling up with air. The drummer tried to do the same but a sob cut him off and he hunched over.

"No, no, Josh",Tyler sat him up and fixated his eyes on Josh's,"You need to breathe, man. _Breathe_ "

"I- I can't", Josh stammered and the overwhelming urge to run took over his mind again.

Freeing himself from Tyler, he attempted to get up. His vision got stained with black and something had turned his legs into jello as he stumbled back on the couch.

"I'm going to be sick",Josh mumbled and promptly vomited all over the floor. He barely missed Tyler who handled the situation totally unfazed and just held Josh until he was done heaving.

Ignoring the horrible smell and sweat covering Josh's cheeks, Tyler pressed his friend against him and calming stroked his head.

Josh clinged to Tyler's shirt, his only anchor holding him back from slipping completely into the dark thoughts filling up his mind. His body was screaming for air. Concentraiting on Tyler whispering random song lyrics in his ear, he drew in a deep breath and released it again.

Minutes passed like this.

Tyler holding Josh who calmed his breathing and tried to lock his anxiety away again.

Josh felt exhausted. He was tired of this. Tired of feeling scared all the time. Tired of not being able to breathe and tired of crying and tired of the darkness in his mind.

All tension leaving his body, he let himself fall again Tyler and just closed his eyes, shutting everything around him off.

Tyler felt himself relax as well. His heart was beating like crazy and he couldn't stop his hands from shaking.

He hated seeing his friend like this. It was just wrong. Josh was the kindest person he knew, with the biggest heart. The amount of fear and suffering on his face simply didn't _belong_.

Not knowing what to do with his anger, he turned to the interviewer who was standing a few feet away, the tablet clutched against his chest, eyes widened in shock.

Like he had any right to be scared.

"You feel happy now?! You got this all on tape so you can sell it to every newspaper in America?!"

All colour left Tom's face and he took a step back.

"I- No, this wasn't my intention, I'm-",he stuttered but couldn't finish.

Tyler stood up, carefully letting Josh fall against the back of the couch.

"Then let me ask you, what exactly _was_ your intention?",he stepped in front of Tom,"Tell me, how _stupid_ can you be to show someone, who openly talks about his anxitey, a video of his panic attack, just out of nowhere?!"

Tyler balled his fists in anger, his eyes darkened.

Tom just looked to the other members of his team and stammered a quiet apology.

Tyler wasn't a violent person, but he swore to god, this guy was going to get punched.

A firm hand on his shoulder held him back.

"Don't,"Josh's voice was barely louder than a whisper,"Let's just leave."

 

\---

 

The ride home was quiet. Josh sat at the window and didn't look at Tyler once.

Some song in the charts, that Tyler had heard a million times now, drizzled through the speakers, but Tyler didn't care to shut it off.

He glanced to Josh repeatedly and tried to form a question in his head.

He had always been so good with words but this time it seemed like yesterday he learned to speak.

"Are you-,"he sighed,"I mean, do you feel less..."

He trailed off and looked at his friend, hoping for some kind of answer.

Josh cleared his throat and then turned to Tyler.

"I feel less scared, yes. But this fear, it- it never leaves. Sometimes I can ignore it, sometimes I don't even recognise it, if I don't think about it. But eventually it will all just come together and- and _explode_ "

Tyler swallowed. He understood everything Josh had just said. He had anxiety but never that bad. It seemed like it had taken over Josh's life and Tyler was scared to think about just how much it controlled already.

"And things like interviews or shows, they are especially hard, right?", he asked, already knowing the answer. He just wanted to keep Josh talking about what he felt.

Josh nodded.

"Talking in general. Just almost every situation when I'm not alone. I feel like everybody is judging me and I just can't seem to think straight,"Josh looked at his hands, slightly drumming on his knees,"The shows are usually fine. I mean, I get anxious everytime before we head out but after the first couple songs it's over. I know that I can trust you and the fans. I don't know what went wrong that night."

"It will be fine. This is the longest tour we have ever done and the shows are getting bigger every night, no wonder your anxiety gets worse. Mine does too. We will push through this. _Together_ "

Josh smiled at that and Tyler counted it as a win.

Josh wasn't alone in this and never would be.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed it!   
> comments and kudos are always appreciated.   
> stay alive frens x


End file.
